


Adrift

by quingigillion (cartouche)



Category: Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency (TV 2016)
Genre: Developing Relationship, Im AU Trash, M/M, merman au
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-03-26
Updated: 2017-04-02
Packaged: 2018-10-11 01:08:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,016
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10451601
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cartouche/pseuds/quingigillion
Summary: It has to be impossible, because if Todd isn’t mistaken, there’s a human body attached to the tail, pale and lithe, with definite human arms, and blurry hair rippling over a definite human head.It can’t be real. Because there’s no such thing asmerpeople. Todd knows, in the same way that every grownup person with an imagination eroded by reality knows that merpeople aren’t real. Neither are unicorns or dragons or fairies. In the same way that 1 plus 1 isalways2, and you inevitably have to pay taxes.Jesus, they kept this a well guarded secret.





	1. Skin Deep

**Author's Note:**

> maybe if i post this it'll make me finish the last few chapters??????  
> dont ask me why a commercial aquarium has an open top tank its just for plot purposes

Todd’s lived less than an hour drive away from Blackwing his entire life and has never once visited, although, in his humble opinion, they’re just a more evil SeaWorld. Sure, they tote the rarest and most alluring marine attractions on the planet, all for an extortionate fee, but Todd can’t believe the creatures trapped within its glass pods are actually _happy_ or particularly healthy for that matter. He’s never really cared too much about the environment, but the looming posters advertising huge whales and gloomy walruses crammed into tiny enclosures have always creeped him out. The carefully airbrushed families with their too wide smiles and glassy eyes never helped either. Plus the tickets are _really_ expensive.

He’d never give them a single penny if it wasn’t for Amanda. Amanda who’s been bugging him for months to go, Amanda who has been to every aquarium in the state except _Blackwing_ , Amanda who he would do anything for, Amanda who doesn’t dare venture outside anymore because of the pararibulitis wracking her nerves and forcing her back into the house. He wants to, _needs_ to do something nice for her, so he drives them out of the city, and begrudgingly hands over his $100. It had better be worth it.

The building is inconspicuous enough and not unlike the other aquariums Todd had been dragged to as a child. It’s large and grey, concrete and glass and corrugated iron sheets, with brightly coloured welcome signs and overly helpful desk staff. The smiling orca on the logo plastered everywhere leers down at him, more than slightly offsetting. Something in his stomach churns. Amanda had been giddy when they finally found a space in the car park, jumping out and all but running towards the reception where Todd could give over his money. She’d tugged at him impatiently, and they’d joined the flow of people all heading inside. Inside it’s light and airy, speakers repeating looped phrases spoken in a smooth female tone over what Todd can only assume are meant to be ‘oceanic’ noises. He pays while Amanda pokes around the gift shop, coming away with a plush leopard shark just in time for the lady with the very straight, very white teeth, to wrap their wristband tickets on them and wish them ‘Happy exploring!’. He follows Amanda diligently through the first glass tunnel that leads them out into the complex, trying to quell the rising fear in him that the glass will crack and hundreds of gallons of dark cold water will come rushing in.  They follow the signs through a maze of bubbling tanks containing various assortments of crustaceans and fish in large, themed tanks. Around them children rush between exhibits, faces pressed eagerly to the glass as exhausted looking parents wheel pushchairs behind them. Todd peers into the few of them that are relatively quiet and watches lobsters twitch their claws at him and schools of fish swirl past in a glide of speckled silver. Amanda insists they stop by the open air orca and whale pools to watch the huge beasts dip in and out of the water, circling their enclosures mournfully. In a way they remind him a bit of his sister, trapped in a space too small for them by some unknown force they can’t understand. They keep moving, Todd following carefully behind Amanda as she rushes from room to room, poking her head in front of every tank and pool, occasionally sharing her fish knowledge to small children who stare at her with adoring bright eyes. Dolphins, sharks, rays and penguins rush past him in a blur and he’s lost all track of time in this dimly lit place, spurred on by Amanda yanking at his arm and the nauseating smell of slimy fish and disinfectant. Amanda _ooo_ s at the barracudas and _aaa_ s at the seahorses, and it _almost_ makes up for the 100 bucks and a waste of a day that Todd could have spent working to make up for the money he’s just blown.

He’s convinced that there can’t be much more to this complex, they’ve already been through 3 tunnels, 2 ampitheatre tanks, and the kids rock pool where they get to stroke starfish and hold crabs. The map he’s been crumpling in his hands for the last 3 hours says they’re coming up to The Deep, a room filled bioluminescent jellyfish and squid that is sure to be filled with shrieking kids for Todd to trip over, and beyond that … What Todd can only see is a huge tank spanning all three floors of the building, clearly the aquariums crowning glory. It’s simply titled Project Siren, and a lack of helpful description keeps it as equally mysterious. Probably sharks, he muses, they tend to be the big finishers at these kind of places, although how they could top the orcas and beluga whale is an interesting conundrum. He holds tightly to Amanda’s hand as they wade through The Deep, mumbling his apologies as he steps on strangers’ toes. They emerge, wincing at the sudden light piercing their eyes, and make their way unsteadily over to the enormous wall of glass in front of them and the hoards of people crowded as close as possible to it. The soothing female voice reminds them not to take pictures over the tannoy. Amanda eagerly dives in amongst the people, squeezing to the front for a better view. Todd hangs back, unable to see anything particularly impressive. Just a towering rock feature mimicking a mini coral reef and bored looking fish gliding through the bright blue space. The tank is huge, and the back wall of it disappears into the hazy gloom of the dappled water.

Todd climbs the stairs to the next floor, hoping to get a better view, but the crowds are equally dense on this level, a thick human wall of silhouettes pointing and gasping. A child shrieks too loud, and Todd hopes to god the next level is quiet and deserted. He reaches the top of the stairs and pretends he isn’t out of breath. Fortunately no one seems to want to climb this high for the tank, and Todd is almost alone, joined only by a man dozing on a bench and a student sketching quietly in the corner, cross legged with a look of concentration painted on her face. He wanders across to the top of the tank, crouching down to try and see better. The angle is awkward from here, and the glass warps his view, but it’s still better than trying to wrestle sullen teenagers and hyperactive children out of the way, and if he pushes his head right up to the glass he can make out the irregular shape of the rock below, the fish propelling themselves around.

He can tell when something happens because the screams of children drift helpfully up from the level below. He squints, trying to make out what is happening, and manages to make out a long tail flick powerfully through the water, scuttling in and out of the cave formations bored into the rock. He can’t see well, but judging by the size of it, the fish must be pretty huge, at least 7ft long. He pushes closer into the glass, twisting his head awkwardly in an attempt to get a better view, but it’s impossible. The tail drifts like aimless seaweed for a minute before it swivels and sweeps through the water, and something impossible emerges from the cave to wave shyly at the children watching. And it has to be impossible, because if Todd isn’t mistaken, there’s a _human body_ attached to the tail, pale and lithe, with definite human arms, and blurry hair rippling over a definite human head.

It can’t be real. Because there’s no such thing as merpeople. Todd knows, in the same way that every grownup person with an imagination eroded by reality knows that merpeople aren’t real. Neither are unicorns or dragons or fairies. In the same way that 1 plus 1 is _always_ 2, and you inevitably have to pay taxes.

Jesus, they kept this a well guarded secret.

He stands up, fingers gripping at the glass rim as he leans over the top of the tank, head craning to try and get a better view. The water ripples unhelpfully, lapping at the sides with rhythmic slaps that obscure his vision. From here the shapes in the tank warp further, colourful, kaleidoscopic fragments that form and dissipate in mesmerising patterns. He should go downstairs and find Amanda. He probably imagined it anyway, just a trick of the refraction and a lack of blood to his head brought on by the awkward angle. He leans a little further, on his tiptoes, face dangerously close to the water. His legs ache and he’s too precariously balanced to keep this up, but he’s captivated, unable to look away until he knows for sure what the _thing_ living in the tank is. Somewhere, far in the distance behind him, the student sneezes, and suddenly Todd is no longer standing next to the tank, but falling over the edge, glass bruising his ribs, and hitting the surprisingly warm water.

There are 2 problems with this. The first is that Todd’s phone is now irrevocably damaged and he really _doesn’t_ have the money to fix or replace it. The second is that Todd can’t swim. Not for lack of trying, his dad always made him get in the pool when Amanda wanted to go in the summer, but try as he might Todd could never get the hang of co-ordinating limbs and breathing and staying afloat. He can feel himself going into shock, detached from his own body as he splashes violently. He tries to breathe in air, but there’s a lot of water ending up in his lungs too, and then he’s coughing and spluttering and still trying frantically to keep his head above the water. His clothes are heavy and wet and his shoes are weighing him down, and he can only really watch as he begins to sink away from the surface, and down into the tank.

If you’d have asked Todd how he thought he’d die, he wouldn’t have said drowning in an aquarium tank. He’s still thrashing frantically as Amanda’s face appears, pale blue and warped behind the glass. She stares at him for a moment in disbelief, mouth gaping open and eyes wide, before he watches her yell silently, pushing off from the glass and racing into the inky black of the room in what he hopes is an attempt to find someone to help. Everyone else just stares. A fish swims lazily by, ignorant of Todd’s plight. His limbs are starting to feel heavy and his brain swims, lungs desperately holding on to what oxygen they have while simultaneously trying to expel the water Todd has already breathed in. And to top it all off, that’s when Todd sees _them_. It’s one way to confirm that there are mermen living inside this tank.

They rise up from the dark depths, hidden by fluttering kelp strands, and approach Todd with ominous grins. There’s 4 of them, long and lean and powerful, wild hair and manic eyes. He wishes he wasn’t so fascinated as they start to circle him, able to clearly see where the humanoid skin melds into pebbled grey scales. The space between them gets noticeably smaller, and Todd feels the water ripple around the powerful fins. He realises belatedly that they are _shark_ tails, scarred and disfigured, just as one of them, the largest one, gives him a grin that's edged with rows of razor sharp teeth. Pale hair billows through the water as they surge towards him, and he wonders, as he drifts further down, if the paper will write about this. A pretty pathetic last thought, actually, he didn’t even think about Amanda. He scrunches his eyes closed _hard_ , and waits for the pain to start.

It doesn’t happen. What does happen is a loud, high pitched noise vibrates through the tank, startling Todd into opening his mouth. A few precious air bubbles slip out, and wobble up towards the surface. Around him the water coils and thrashes, all four of the _things_ gripping their ears furiously and rippling their tails angrily. That’s when, as if to really drive home the impossibility of the situation, yet another merman slides into Todd’s view. He swims very close to Todd, so close that if he wasn’t _drowning_ he’d probably reach other and touch the unblemished skin, touch the silky brown hair that's twisting halo-like over his head. He positions himself firmly between Todd and the others, mouth open as he chitters angrily, hands gesturing expansively. Todd can see the gills hidden behind his ears work furiously, gaping open and closed, and his dorsal fins are splayed, wide and threatening, giving Todd a wonderful display of shimmering blue and black scales striped through with bright neon yellow. Slowly the others back off, sinking into the depths with angry snarls and intimidating thrashes. The water swirls behind them. That’s when the other merman turns around to face Todd, and he notices that he’s kind of _pretty_ , with clear blue eyes and a bright expression. Not like the others, sleek shark-like predators, this one looks like he could have hopped right out of a Disney movie or off the cover of a terrible romance fantasy novel. He smiles brightly, and Todd is relieved to see relatively _normal_ teeth positioned inside plush lips.

Then Todd starts drowning. His lungs burst with effort, and he opens his mouth to gulp in a new breath, but only water rushes in, thick and choking. His limbs feel heavy and numb and his vision fuzzes with grey static, and his lungs heave with effort. Vaguely he watches the merman’s face twist into something visibly flustered, as though he’d forgotten Todd couldn’t breathe water. Strong arms wrap around him, and Todd is delighted to note in his dying moments that the merman feels like an elastic kind of stone, hard and smooth and dense. He barely struggles to manouver them both, powerful muscles shifting as he flicks his tail and drags Todd away from the glass and the kelp beds, guiding him into the biggest cave opening. Todd feels the last bit of life slip away as he sinks towards the craggy floor, struggling to keep his eyes open, watching the merman panic in front of him, eyes wide and hands flapping uselessly. He opens his mouth again, an assortment of shrill whistles and squeaks assaulting Todd’s ears before he stops, comically smacking himself on the head as he chastises himself for being stupid. Todd’s vision is very dim as the merman pauses, steels himself, and leans in, pressing his lips against Todd’s. _They’re cold_ , he thinks as he dies, _but at least I got to kiss an impossible creature. And one that isn’t bad looking._

Air is pushed into Todd’s lungs, cold and damp and almost _meaty_ in a way, and he coughs, body trying to get rid of the water sitting deep inside it. There’s something still pressed into his lips, and belated he realises it’s the man. The man who isn’t a man because he has a tail. Todd opens heavy eyelids only to be confronted with a very apologetic, slightly embarrassed look, and realises that the merman must be breathing for both of them, using gills and lungs in a way that Todd might understand if he had passed Biology. He breathes unsteadily for a moment, lungs still expelling water, and tries not to cough into the other man’s mouth. A long tail curls sleekly around him as he’s brought to rest on the cave floor, and after a moment of boredom, Todd can’t help but touch, running a hand down a smooth, featureless side, watching as scales begin to replace skin, melding two halves seamlessly together. He touches softly over the folded flesh at his hip, moves a finger over filmy fins, thin bones, sleek lines, and watches as the underside of the merman’s tail flushes a soft and mellow pink, flicking anxiously. He lifts his hands away, high and far to show the other creature he would not continue, careful not to offend the only lifeline he currently has to stop him from drowning. They float aimlessly for a minute, before Todd carefully stretches out his tongue and touches it to the merman’s, almost doubling over with laughter at the look of shock emblazoned across its face. After a moment, a strangely pebbled tongue probes back, licking into Todd’s mouth with an earnest excitement. It tastes salty, but it’s not unpleasant, and Todd takes a moment to toy with it, watching every reaction as he curls his tongue. He feels the merman begin its own exploration, picking at Todd’s soaked clothes, stopping curiously at his buttons, cupping Todd’s beard in amusement, marvelling at his non-webbed fingers and running amazed hands along his legs. He almost balks when curious fingers probe too hard at his crotch, and he gently has to grip at the merman’s wrists and position him somewhere less _painful_. Despite this his body still does it’s best to conjure up a feeble erection now the threat of dying is gone, which is really a just statement to how pathetic Todd’s sex life has become.

Todd never really considered how to get out of this situation, content to sit on the rough rocky outcrop for hours, entwined with a creature that shouldn’t exist and yet is somehow keeping him alive. He doesn’t consider it until two divers push their way warily into the cave, oxygen masks obscuring anything but their eyes. They make a few gestures at each other and begin to advance, one holding spare diving equipment and the other something that reminds Todd vaguely of an over sized cattle prod. The merman tenses, tail tightening around Todd in thick coils until he’s struggling to move his legs and is vaguely starting to worry about being crushed. He’s maneuvered as close to the back wall of the cave as possible, until there is no more cave to put between them and the diver, who continue to advance ominously. He can feel the merman panic, eyes wide and fins whipping through the water as he tries and fails to keep the divers away. The one with the long stick reaches out and jabs it sharply into the creature's tail, and Todd has to quickly hold his breath as the merman falls stiffly away from him, before starting to writhe in pain as he spasms to the floor. The other diver moves closer to him, slipping the mask on over his head and adjusting the valves on the tank until slowly but surely pressurized air begins to leak it’s way into Todd’s lungs. It tastes wrong. He doesn’t have a lot of choice when the two men grab him by the arms and steer him out of the cave and towards the surface, but he can’t help twisting his head around and back to see the merman curled up miserably in the corner, limp and face hidden.

He’s met by a flurry of questions when he resurfaces and is pulled out of the tank. Someone thinks to wrap him in a towel as he signs non-disclosure agreements and at least 2 waivers without a second glace. Amanda is there, chewing her lip with worry, and Todd has to fight his way past the paramedics, divers, managers, keepers, and an especially sharp woman named Wilson who attempts to threaten Todd with a lawsuit. Eventually they make it out alive. The car park is deserted, and Todd’s converse squeak with every soggy step. His hair is damp and Amanda drapes her hoodie over him as they sit in the car with the heaters wheezing out hot air. The drive back is uneventful except for Amanda’s constant questioning and the image of the merman curled up that just won’t seem to go away.

Todd wakes up the next day warm and dry in bed and doesn’t think about the creature for another week.


	2. Not On Porpoise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He comes back from work on a seemingly average Tuesday to find a naked man clambering unsteadily in through his window. He doesn’t yelp.
> 
> If he does it’s a very _manly_ yelp. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im nothing if not a trope  
> forever writing dirk falling in through windows  
> really bad at writing humour forgive me

Todd wouldn’t consider his life unusual or eventful in any kind of way. In fact, he’d likely describe it using any number of words such as mundane, dull, boring, tedious or monotonous, but not once would he describe it as exciting. Until he comes back from work on a seemingly average Tuesday to find a naked man clambering unsteadily in through his window. He  _ doesn’t _ yelp. If he does it’s a very  _ manly _ yelp.

‘Oh,  _ hi _ !’ 

Todd does the only thing he can think of and throws the first projectile he can grab at him, which happens to be one of his shoes. All it succeeds in doing is making the very naked man fall fully into his apartment. Todd wants to rush at him and try to force him out of his apartment, but he’s stopped by the vast expanses of pale skin, trying to avert his gaze and stare incredulously at the wall instead. 

‘Look, whoever the  _ hell _ you are, get out of my apartment?!’ Out of the corner of his eye, he watches the guy flail on unsteady legs, sweeping arms knocking over a mug, before he lurches towards Todd. Which is pretty much the opposite of leaving the apartment as requested. He picks up the remaining shoe, waving it threateningly at the intruder as he tries to look anywhere but at the man. ‘I … I have another shoe and … I’m  _ not afraid to use it _ !’ He doesn’t even have a phone to call the police. That’s still sitting in a bowl of rice in the kitchen attempting to dry out. 

The man steps towards him again, wincing at the pressure, and then suddenly falls, half on Todd, sending them both crashing into the ground. He starts to flail, weakly kicking into the guy, who grunts and scrabbles fruitlessly against the floor and Todd’s body, letting out a string of half formed sentences,  _ stop i- blimey- with th- push! _ He manages to thrust himself up on his arms, away from where his face had been sitting on Todd’s heaving chest, long enough for him to smile beguiling and blink expectantly at the other man. That’s when it hits him. There’s something about his face, high cheekbones and long straight nose and animated eyebrows, something that makes Todd pause, before he gasps and scrabbles backwards. 

‘It’s  _ you _ !’ His head hits the wall, sending a hot rush of pain down his spine, and allowing the other man to shuffle closer on all fours again. Todd is treated to a view that he tells himself he’d rather not have, but is still rather nice all the same. ‘But you’re a… You’ve got a … You live in the ...’ 

The not-merman rolls his eyes at Todd as though he’s completely insane, and scoffs lightly. ‘Well yes, but I can have legs too,  _ of course _ . Don’t you know anything about mer magic? How else am I supposed to lure in hot Grecian fishermen out casting their nets.’ Todd gapes. He can feel himself gaping, jaws slack and mouth open wide, and yet can’t seem to regain control of his muscles in order to stop. He feels it’s a fair reaction to an undeniably out of control situation involving a merman that has legs and apparently actual  _ real _ magic. And it’s at this moment that the no-longer-a-merman decides to lean down and kiss Todd enthusiastically. His lips are strangely just as soft as before, and just as Todd remembers them, pliant and eager. He blames it on the shock that he allows this to happen for a moment too long, blinking at those blue eyes before he splutters and forcibly shoves the man away. He pretend he doesn’t care about the hurt look that plasters itself over the face still looming in front him, and Todd uselessly attempts to squish himself further against the wall and away from the intruder.

‘I don’t understand … We did it last time?’ God he’s so naive. Those clear bottomless eyes fix on him, wounded, and he sighs heavily. 

‘Yeah I know. But I was dying, it’s _ different _ . People don’t usually just- Look, I don’t even know your name. And you’re  _ naked _ .’ The man retreats slightly, but a faltering smile reappears shakily on his face again. It eases the churning in Todd’s stomach. 

‘Dirk.’ 

‘What?!’ 

‘My name. It’s Dirk. Well, my actual name is fairly unpronounceable to humans, but I’ve always liked the word Dirk. It’ll do, I suppose.’ Todd nods, easing up from the wall slightly. He keeps his sight fixed firmly on Dirk’s face, and watches a slight blush creep up from the man’s neck to his face, slowly reaching his hairline. ‘And ... um, well I’ve never worn clothes before. I don’t suppose you could lend me some? For now?’ 

Todd stands up cautiously, and watches Dirk attempt to do the same on unsteady legs. He offers him a hand that Dirk grabs gratefully, and between the two of them they manage to stumble into Todd’s meagre bedroom. Dirk flops down immediately on to his bed, and Todd carefully ignores him as he rolls delighted over the covers, making a range of quiet noises that send tingles down Todd’s spine and heat coil low in his stomach. He opens his wardrobe and chucks a pair of sweats and an old Mexican funeral t-shirt at the man on the bed, secretly cursing Dirk’s filthy feet slowly smearing dirt over his duvet. According to Dirk’s incessant chatter, he’d walked here, and Todd counts it as a small miracle there’s not dried blood mingled in with the general grime. He strategically  _ doesn’t _ watch Dirk struggle to get into the clothes for a while, before sighing in resignation and untangling him from leg holes and arm holes. When Dirk is finally decent, he herds him back into the living room, flicking on the coffee machine as he goes and finally slipping out of his stupid Perriman uniform. Dirk looks ridiculous in his too small clothes, shirt too tight and ankles showing as he sits wondrously on Todd’s beaten up sofa, watching his toes wriggle. Once the final drips of coffee have splashed down into the mug, Todd carries it carefully over to the couch and sits down heavily next to the other man. 

Amanda is  _ never _ going to believe this. 

‘So. Are you going to … Explain any of this to me?’ Dirk looks at him blankly for a moment, before his eyes light up and he grins broadly.

‘Oh  _ right _ , you mean  _ this _ . Well, I’d never seen anybody fall in before, to the tank. You were the most interesting that’d happened in  _ years _ . So I thought I’d come and live here now.’ A clear, natural thought progression. Todd tries not to spit his coffee everywhere as Dirk’s smile widens into something blinding and distinctly  _ charming _ . Fuck. He’s just about to respond with something suitably snarky when Dirk’s face drops, and a hand raises to smack against his forehead lightly. He shoots up off the sofa, only to collapse backwards when his legs give out again like a newborn foal. Cursing quietly in another, unknown language, Todd watches bemused as Dirk tries again, slower and more steady as he rises and picks his way over to the door. ‘ _ Stupid  _ Dirk, always running away from Death and forgetting kittens.’ He throws the door open, and Todd watches in shock as a small black kitten mewls angrily at Dirk for a moment before sauntering into the apartment. It sniffs at Todd’s remaining shoe before ambling over to the coffee table and sitting primly in front of him, it’s tailed curled carefully around it’s tiny paws. He throws an incredulous look at DIrk. 

‘You can’t just bring a  _ cat  _ in here?’  Dirk shoots him a look somewhere between hurt and confused, moving back over to the sofa and scooping up the kitten as he does, holding it protectively to his chest as he pouts at Todd. 

‘It’s not  _ just  _ a cat, Todd. There’s a shark inside it.’ Todd thinks if he rolls his eyes any harder they’ll fall out of his head and keep going across the floor. Nothing that comes out of Dirk’s mouth makes the slightest bit of sense, but this time he nods slightly and calmly sips his coffee. Let’s hope Dorian never finds out he’s harbouring pets, or he’ll be a dead man.

‘And what do you plan to do with the … sharkkitten?’ Dirk flops down beside him, placing the cat gently into his lap with a soft smile. It curls up immediately, and Todd can make out faint purring as Dirk runs his fingers over it’s back and scratches absentmindedly behind it’s ears. His eyes are fixed on Todd, unnervingly blue. 

‘Take her home.’ He rearranges himself primly, smiling fondly down at the kitten as it twists and hisses, trying to catch his fingers with tiny claws. ‘I’m a rather good detective, you know. Or at least I was. Back home.’ There’s a melancholy twist to his voice, and Todd looks down into the swirling dark depths of his coffee, until long hands pry it away from him, gasping at the unexpected scalding heat radiating out of the ceramic.

‘And what does being an underwater detective mean?’ He’s gently teasing as Dirk mimics Todd unsteadily, lifting the mug to his lips and wincing as hot liquid spills into his mouth. He immediately recoils, shoving the cup back at Todd as his face crumples into a disgusted expression, flapping hands rising to wipe at his tongue. 

‘Why do you  _ drink _ that? It’s  _ evil _ Todd.’ He laughs, shaking his head at Dirk still frantically trying to remove the taste from his mouth. 

‘You’ve never had coffee before?’ He stops, and shakes his head. ‘Of course you haven’t.’ He downs the last of the black tar slopping thickly at the bottom, and stands, placing the mug into the dishwasher before he pauses by the fridge. Dirk watches him intently from over the back of the sofa as he pulls out milk and orange juice and soda, pouring them out into glasses which are then plonked unceremoniously in front of the other man. ‘Here, give these a try.’ Dirk diligently raises each one to his lips; orange juice is met with indifference, milk is spat back into the glass and Dirk only likes the soda because of the bubbles. Todd’s about ready to give up on him when he remembers the dusty box of tea bags Amanda had left at his ages ago, buried at the back of his cupboard. He has to fish out the stove kettle, kitten hissing when it is woken up by his clattering. The water boils, the spout whistles, and he drops the tea bag into the cup, leaving it to stew. On a hunch he stirs in a few heaped spoonfuls of sugar, but keeps the milk to a minimum. Dirk eyes the liquid as though it will kill him, but trusts Todd enough to give it a tentative sip with some encouragement. 

To say he takes to it like a duck to water would be a poor use of ironic metaphors. 

Dirk demands a second cup almost immediately, and Todd happily obliges in order to see the look of bliss descend over his features, steam frizzling the ends of his russet hair. He’s already rising with the empty china ready to make a third one when Dirk makes an awkward noise, gasping and flinching. The kitten meows angrily at his sudden movement, jumping down from Dirk’s lap as his back arches, a pained expression painting itself over his face. 

‘Oh  _ bugger _ .’ He says, as Todd drops the cup. Todd’s internal monologue says something much stronger, but he’s already rushing back to Dirk’s side as he struggles to stand, doubling over with a quiet  _ oof _ .  

‘What is it? What’s wrong, what do I do?’ Dirk collapses back onto the sofa with wide eyes, and strikes Todd with a panicked look. 

‘R-Remember when I said about mer magic,’ Silently, Todd curses ever meeting this not-man, brain conjuring images of a peaceful evening with pizza and bad TV and nobody dying on his couch. Part of him know what he’s going to say before it even leaves Dirk’s mouth. ‘Well ... it’s wearing off.’ Typical. He’s going to have to put a merman in his bathtub. Nobody saw this coming. Dirk spasms again, gasping in pain, and Todd has to slide an arm around him to support him to his feet, helping him shuffle into the bathroom. He props the shuddering form of the other man on the toilet while he runs a bath of lukewarm water, filling it as high as he thinks can without a large merman taking up space inside it. Dirk wobbles and stumbles behind him, frantically scrabbling out of Todd’s old, grey sweats, and when he turns back to him he’s confronted by Dirk’s legs already melding back together, scaled skin stretching between them like a B-movie horror effect. Dirk’s face is pale and terrified and Todd, to his eternal shame, has to carry him into the bath, writhing and transforming. Dirk is a  _ lot _ heavier than he looks. His shirt sleeves are dripping wet when he is finally commanded to leave the bathroom by a shaky voice, and he bows out gracefully, half glad not to have to see any more of the gruesome metamorphosis. His knees finally give out once he’s closed the door, and he sinks down to the floor, trying to breathe normally. His eyes slide closed as he listens to water splash erratically from behind the thin wood and painful noises be wrenched out of Dirk’s throat. Waiting is agonising, the anxiety feeling like concrete drying densely in his lungs and stomach, and he forces himself to stand after a moment and drag his reluctant feet into the kitchen to make DIrk that next cup of tea. 

Is this what he went through the first time, alone and trapped inside that tank at the aquarium? A shudder ripples through him as he pours the hot water, unable to imagine the ripping pain of growing legs or a tail. Todd’s broken arm in a mosh pit at a shitty dive bar when he was 17 doesn’t even compare to this, couldn’t ever compare to this. His knuckles are white as he grips at the handle on the cup too hard, and it takes a lot of effort to relax them, slowly, one finger at a time. He stalls for as long as he can, pottering around cleaning and reorganising his cupboards, kitten curling anxiously around his legs as if it  _ knows _ Dirk is in pain. He’d write it off as impossible if he hadn’t loved through the last few hours. 

When the guttural noises finally stop he pushes the door open slowly, entering tea first as if approaching a boobytrapped temple chamber. He half expects there to be blood, thick and red and clotted, splattered over the bathroom like a gory Jackson Pollock painting. Thankfully the walls and ceiling and floor are still the same grimy off white when he finally opens his eyes. 

Dirk doesn’t fit in the bath. It doesn’t surprise Todd, not after seeing the length of Dirk in the tank, but it makes it awkward to maneuver himself around the door with several feet of tail hanging limply over the ceramic rim. Like this, Dirk looks dull and cramped, skin sallow and scales nothing like Todd remembers from when he’d displayed his tail in the aquarium, billowing and colourful. It almost feels crueller than Blackwing in a way, to see Dirk cooped up, but he still smiles at him softly from the other end of the bath, and accepts the tepid cup of tea in webbed fingers. 

‘Sorry about that.’ He looks ridiculously sheepish. ‘I thought the magic might hold a  _ little _ longer, but I suppose it’s only as good as I am.’ 

Todd huffs fondly, and sits on the toilet lid to stare at Dirk. ‘I’m still not over the fact you even  _ can _ grow legs.’ He pauses to shake his head in disbelief and Dirk preens less than subtly, fins fluttering uselessly against the side of the bath. His hair is wet at the ends and standing up in ridiculous directions. ‘So who were those other mermen in the tank? And how did you all end up stuck in there anyway?’ 

Dirk folds his hands neatly over his stomach and stares down his nose at Todd. ‘I believe the correct term to encompass all aquatic hominoids is simply  _ mer _ , Todd. Not everybody sees themself as a man or a woman.’ Despite his brief interlude, he continues, and Todd can see his gills work frantically behind his ears before his remembers to breathe with his lungs, blushing with embarrassment. ‘The others that you met are the Rowdy 3-’

‘There were definitely  _ 4 _ of them.’ Dirk huffs at being interrupted. 

‘I’m  _ wildly _ aware. I’m not sure how anyone managed to capture them, they’re all  _ terrifying _ and always hunt in a pack, which is 4 sets of sharp teeth instead of just 1. They stick to the depths mostly and I try to avoid them. Oh, and there’s Bart too. Nobody sees her much, she usually squeezes herself into the smallest gaps unless it’s feeding time.’  

Todd nods slowly, like he understands. The kitten pokes its head curiously around the door before making its way into the room and heading straight towards Dirk. It stands up on it’s back legs and mewls pathetically, staring at Todd with wide innocent eyes that he knows is all just a front. 

‘She wants to swim.’ Dirk says matter of factly, and Todd opens his mouth to argue how the  _ hell _ Dirk would know what a cat said, before accepting it and saving himself the time. He picks the cat up as gingerly as possible and still manages to scratched for his troubles, accidentally dropping it into the water where it glares at him but begins to paddle proficiently around. Dirk coos at it, delighted, and creates little vortexes with his hands for it to swirl around in, splashing delighted. 

It’s a ridiculous scene. Todd sighs and shakes his head and watches them fondly until his stomach growls threateningly. The hands swing by on his watch, and Todd almost chokes when he sees how late it is. Too late to cook. Pizza it is. He eyes Dirk warily, watching him bite down on a wince as tiny claws catch across his scales, and wonders what the hell he’s going to feed a 7ft merman. There’s no point in even asking Dirk if he likes pizza, he knows what the answer will be. Standing, he leaves Dirk to fuss over the sharkkitten, and slides his mobile out of his pocket. 

Todd carefully ignores the strange look the pizza guy gives him at the frantic splashing accompanying an impatient voice winding it’s way out of the bathroom. He gives him a weak smile and pays him as quickly as possible, heaving out a sigh of relief when his front door swings shut and he’s free of the judgmental star peaking out from under a greasy fringe. The boxes are carried swiftly into the other room, and are balanced over the sink before Todd can slip on the copious amounts of water shining slick over the floor. 

‘Pizza.’ He says with a gesture, and Dirk perks up immediately, lurching forward to grab the top box.’Try not to …. Get it wet?’ He opens his own, retrieving a stringy slice of pepperoni, and tires not to consider the fact he’s eating in the bathroom. Dirk is prodding suspiciously at the cheese, and Todd watch him lift a crust cautiously, dangling it in front of him until a chunk of pineapple drops into the water. He watches it float around sullenly until the kitten decides to attack it. 

Dirk raises the slice towards his face, and sniffs at it, before deigning to take a bit. It’s amusing to Todd to watch him cycle through a range of expressions, before his eyes widen in awe. ‘It’s  _ chewy _ .’ 

‘Yes, Dirk.’ 

‘And the different parts taste … different!’ 

‘Yeah, Dirk they do.’ 

The merman sitting in his bath tub beams and reaches immediately for the next slice, hissing as the heat singes at his fingertips. ‘I think pizza might be my favourite food, Todd.’ 

Nothing can surprise him any more. 

He waits until Dirk starts lagging on his 7th slice before retrieving the box, after a half hearted protest, and promising him he can finish it tomorrow. There’s a whispered  _ Goodnight,Todd _ as he flicks off the bathroom light and goes to put their leftovers in the fridge, kitten curled contentedly on Dirk’s iridescent scales. Maybe, when he wakes up, it’ll all be gone, just a dream or a hallucination or a mirage. He’s been doing too many cover shifts at the Perriman, he’s probably just tired: overworked and underpaid. A quiet splash emanates from the other room, and Todd sighs, pulling off his clothes and collapsing into bed. The duvet welcome him with a soft embrace, and he  _ really _ hopes this is all a dream. It has to be. 

* * *

Todd wakes up to bright sunshine and an angry cat pummelling the covers over his chest with needle like claws and a naked Dirk rolling over his bed, gleeful and damp. He closes his eyes firmly and prays he’ll go back to sleep. His prayers are not answered. Dirk prods him, all too real.

And prods him again. 

And prods him again. 

Todd opens his eyes painfully slowly, sighs heavily, and turns a fraction in his duvet cocoon to stare balefully at him. Dirk’s grin is more painful than the sunlight. 

‘Todd, I don’t know what  _ pancakes _ are, but I  _ need _ to try them.’ 

Great. Now he's living with a merman.


End file.
